Real Talk: Where I've Been the Last 6 Months

I have written this blog post a thousand times in my head.
I've had so much to say, but it seemed so daunting to actually start. And more so? So scary and draining to actually be vulnerable.

Many of you have so kindly emailed me to check and see if I'm okay, noticing my number of blog posts dwindling down to once a week. Nothing original or inspired to grace the wall of this humble little blog, and for a very good reason.

This past year has been one of the hardest years in my life.
My heart has been heavy and my mind distant, full of some many other things.

Important things.
Heavy things.

In this past year, I was given my dream job at Ronald McDonald House Charities, which both incredibly inspires and excites me, as well as sometimes making my heart hurt at times. Broken kiddos going through cancer and awful diseases, and their burdened families who all simply need so much love and kindness, but as you can imagine... sometimes it's hard not to take work home with me, but I'm working on it.

I've also had lots of health issues beginning in the late spring - bone spur and feet problems (read: walking boot of death - ha!), herniated disk in my back, and skin cancer removal surgery. As a result, I haven't been able to workout and de-stress after work like I so badly need. I never knew how much I would miss those sweaty grueling [read: awful!] workout sessions until I gained 20+ pounds, and my self-esteem flew out the window.

On top of that, I have felt extra tired and achey, as exercise is the main way I manage the side effects of my fibromyalgia pain - a chronic auto-immune disease where the nerves tell your body you're in pain constantly - and it leaves many feeling like they have the achey flu most days. Exercising was my life line to stay healthy, feel good about myself, and mentally decompress. I so badly wanted to feel like me again.

Aside from my personal struggle, many of my closest family members and friends have been suffering with so much this year: depression, job loss, health issues, infertility, death of a loved one, overwhelming anxiety, miscarriage, eating disorders, heartbreak, work worries, waiting to receive a transplant, divorce... and the list goes on.

Now that's heavy. And real.
Just heartbreaking.

{via}

Finally, without knowing how to cope with my own stress (disordered eating, self-acceptance, personal development), as well as being a caregiver for my hurting family and friends, I finally began counseling this summer. It took me forever to get past the stigma of counseling and be able to go, but once I did I've never known such freedom. Finally a healthy outlet where I could vent, cry, share victories, get help, and simply breathe. And breathing is so very important, especially when you feel like you are drowning. So thankful I had such a kind and loving counselor confidant full of wisdom and help (thanks for being you, Lindsey!).

During that time I really struggled with posting on my blog, especially light and fluffy things - like fashion, recipes, and cool gift ideas for the holiday. I've also missed reading other friends' blogs too. In my world, all time and space slowed down with every moment feeling fragile and occupied... no room for extras. Being a prisoner of worry and sometimes hurt while feeling overwhelmed quite simply left me empty and uninspired.

I was angry, sad, mad at God, felt alone, confused, overwhelmed, and lost all at once.
That's when I realized it's okay to pull back. It's okay to not post on my blog, or question what was happening, or not cook a gourmet meal each night, or have a perfectly clean house, or say no to meeting up with friends. And the truth is, it's okay to simply be present and take care of yourself (and not feel obligated to apologize for it)... and that took a long time for me to realize.  It also taught me to identify who my "safe" friends/family are - those who have unwavering trust and will walk with me every step of the way, navigating uncharted waters.

So thankful for the unconditional love and perseverance of my incredible husband, the care and gentleness of my best friends, the support of my family, a great counselor and nutritionist, and for each and every one of you who sent what may have felt like a very little note my way. On countless occasions, just the simple "checking in!" brought tears to my eyes and meant more than I can truly express. Thank you for caring.

After months of repair and healing, I feel brand new! Back feeling like myself again and I cannot wait to jump back into what I've missed so much. I've so missed connecting with each of you, reading your wonderful blogs, and feeling inspired to share as well. Although I may have lost some readers over the past 6 months or so, I am so thankful that you are here reading this post and letting me share this journey with you.

I know in some weird way God will use my story and struggles in a special way to someone who maybe needs to hear they are not alone. That someone else has been there too and I can possibly understand a small piece of what you may be struggling with.

And maybe that someone is you?
If so, you should know...

You are stronger than you know, and so deeply loved.
It's okay to not be okay.
You will get through this... so take heart, my friend!
It is not the end of your story.
This is your new beginning.
Everyday, God is still good, in heartache and triumph.

Follow along here:  BlogLovin, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, Etsy

________________________________________________

Sometimes It's Okay to Be a Bad Blogger...

So, yesterday was Monday and many of you expected to stop by for the weekly Mingle Monday link-up. Except when you stopped by, you noticed no link-up was live...

...and there was a reason for it.

This weekend I was so focused on trying to be present that I simply let not posting roll for the first time in years. And at first, I felt a little guilty or that I had failed my lovely readers, but the truth was that I simply needed a little break.

As bloggers we spend a lot of time investing our creativity and time into our work. We dedicate hours to crafting genuine blog posts, taking photos, editing, and finally publishing. We answer our bloggers comments, encourage our fellow bloggers, and utilize social media.

It's a lot of hard work, and sometimes it feels a little exhausting.
Have you been there before?

{original image via}

Many of us all have full time jobs on top of blogging, so after we've been working all day, we choose to carve out even more time to dedicate to our favorite hobby. And more time means less time for other things. Important things. Things that sometimes need to be a priority.

But the truth of it all?
Sometimes I get so caught up in an obligation to blog that I forget to be present and soak in the little moments. I get lost in the pressure.

Do you know what I did on Sunday night instead of working on my blog post?
   - I spent quality time with my husband just talking a reading books curled up with each other.
   - I relaxed.
   - I played with our puppy.
   - I went to bed early.

It was heaven and absolutely needed.

.:::.:::.:::.:::.:::.

So after thinking about the unrealistic expectations we as bloggers put on ourselves, I wanted to share a few truths that encourage me, and hopefully inspire you too...


1) Be present.
We spend a lot of time making sure we have photos to document our weekend, that we forget to enjoy the moment we are actually photographing. It' great to have beautifully visual blog posts that tell great stories, but what is a blog post compared to making memories. Isn't that the point, to document memories? There is definitely a fine balance, and I confess that it's tough to find, but is very necessary.


2) You don't have to keep up with the Joneses.
It's hard for me as a blogger to see perfectly crafted posts 5 days a week from my fellow blog friends, and not feel obligated or pressured to do the same. The truth of the matter? These bloggers are fantastic. They should be proud of their work and readership, but what I need to remember is that some of them do this for a living. This is their full time job, and they have been doing this a lot longer than I have.

I've also come to the realization that I can only do what I can do. After all, I am my own boss, right? I want to blog inspired. To share what I care about when I feel like blogging. I don't want to simply throw things together to say that I posted something that Thursday.

I want to focus on quality over quantity. To set my own goals and stop comparing myself to others. To strive toward posting not only great things and gorgeous photos I worked hard to capture, but to also strive to be transparent with the fact that I am not perfect. So set your own rules and goals and let that pressure go.


3) You are good enough.
The beautiful thing about blogging is that your blog is your baby. Your creative space. Your getaway. It's so easy to get lost in the hub bub of seeing bigger blogs with thousands and thousands of followers and feeling like an amateur in comparison. But you know what? It truly doesn't matter. This is my blog, and it's good enough for me. As long as I am creating, sharing, and growing, I have accomplished my goal. And if people choose to experience my adventures with me, well that is a very sweet and flattering bonus.

But remember, you are good enough. I mean, do you know that many people brave enough to bare their hearts and share about their life for all to see? It takes courage and dedication to do what you do. So take heart and be proud of the confidence you have to share. You keep doing you!

.:::.:::.:::.:::.:::.

So there you have it... sometimes it's okay to be a "bad blogger".
I think we all could use a little reminder to keep living life and doing what you're doing.


Just be the best YOU that you can be.

Embracing Imperfection

My whole life I've grown up with innate people-pleasing tendencies. For whatever reason, the universe just seems to align for me when everyone is getting along, conflict is absent, disappointment doesn't exist, and everything is peachy keen with ice cream on top.

Drama makes me cringe. Conflict completely tugs at my soul until it's resolved. 

I'm a tender-hearted softy whose feelings get hurt easily, and who desperately wants to make people smile. 

In the depth of my heart I know three things to be true. I want to feel accepted. I want to feel loved. I want to feel wanted. 

Don't we all?

{via}

It wasn't until college that I realized that people pleasing is a slippery slope and learned some good lessons...

Sometimes people, who you thought were your friends, change and you drift apart... and coming to terms with the fact that it's actually for the better. That standing up for what you believe doesn't always go over well with the cool crowd. That being true to yourself doesn't mean you're being selfish, it means you're being true to yourself. 

And most importantly... I learned to embrace my imperfections.

And trust me, this wasn't an overnight quick fix. In fact, it's still an everyday demon for me to battle off doubts and insecurities that tend to creep in. But in my weakest moments, I know that I am done apologizing for who God made me to be.

I choose to be vulnerable. 

I choose to be transparent. 

I choose to be me... imperfections and all.

.:::.:::.:::.:::.:::.

I am the girl who double and triple checks the locks each night out of paranoia.

I am the girl with the lead foot who is incapable of going the speed limit.

I am the wife that totally intends on cooking a nice dinner after work until Chipotle sounds insanely easier on my drive home.

I am not the girl who gets song lyrics right... or even close... ever. 

I am the girl whose eyes well up with tears on my way home when working with cancer patients all day has taken a toll on my heart.

I am the girl who orders whole wheat crust on my pepperoni pizza to make myself think I'm eating healthy.

I am not the girl who succumbs to blogging drama or pressure.

I am the girl who dreads setting my alarm to teach early morning Sunday school, and then instantly feels guilty after spending the morning with adorable 3rd graders.

I am not the wife who can successfully finish a load of laundry from start to finish (darn folding!).

I am the sappy wife who misses her husband the second he leaves. Every. Single. Time.

I am the girl who knows every Disney movie by heart, and would kick your arse at Disney Scene It.

I am the girl who fully intends on arriving on time, but always seems to find myself 5 minutes late.

I am the girl who is completely romanced by life's littlest blessings.

.

.:::.:::.:::.:::.:::.

The world is full of people trying to tell you who you need to be and how you need to get there. But you know what? Nobody knows who you are and what you stand for more than you. 

So. 

Be. 

You.

Be confident.

Use your gifts.

Let yourself shine.

No apologies.

After all, life is too short to be anything but your beautiful self, darlin'.

_________________________________________________________________

PS - Check out on the awesome $25 Amazon gift card and ad space giveaway! 
Click HERE!

PPS - Don't forget to link-up and gain new readers ALL WEEK at my 
Mingle Monday Link-Up!

_________________________________________________________________

...